Sharon's Blog

Selfish

I always seem to consider writing personal entries right when I have some major life-changing event in my life or right when my drama level has reached critical mass; my entries never seem to be cute quips or short stories about my day.

I am writing this note because of some recent events. They involve a friend of mine… or, someone that used to consider me a friend. I’ve mentioned very general details about what’s been happening with this person and only to a few people, but now I’m not sure how to proceed. I’m kinda hoping to get some feedback.

When Mat and I first got engaged, the first person I told was a close friend of mine. She immediately became judgmental, and I completely understand that. She lives far away and has not had much contact with me over the past few years due to the distance. She also doesn’t know Mat, and the last she heard from me Grant and I were finishing our divorce. Regardless, I was unbelievably happy about the plans Mat and I were forming, and she was the first person I thought to share it with.

Over the summer, as Mat and I were sorting out wedding arrangements, she and I spoke once that I can remember. I mentioned the date and time of the wedding, and before I could ask her to come she said she wouldn’t be able to come to it, that she didn’t want to be there. Afterwards, I contacted her many times. I always got voicemail or, if I emailed her, no email reply other than the normal forwards she sended out to everyone en masse. A few days before my wedding, I called her one last time to express how upset I was at not hearing from her for a few months.

After Mat was sent to Germany, I tried contacting her again. Again, voicemail. I emailed her asking for her phone number and finally got a reply, only to discover that the number I’d been calling for months and months was the wrong number! I called her immediately and explained what had happened, apologizing for the confusion. She said never got any news from me about the wedding, but that my sister had made sure to get photos to her. What she was referring to was checking my sister’s photos on MySpace. That. doesn’t. count. period. She launched into how much I had ignored her, how hurt my sister must be that I didn’t tell her first (my sister had a very negative view on men and dating at the time, so talking about anything related to that was always a very sore subject).

Then, she called me a selfish asshole.

I don’t even call my enemies names like that.

I thanked her for telling me exactly what she thought of me (note the tone of sarcasm) and asked her how in the world she could consider remaining friends with someone of whom she thought so little. She said we have known each other for too long not to remain friends.

I don’t know about you, but that doesn’t sound like a valid reason to remain friends.

Over winter break, I spent about a week at my parents’ house. This friend I’m referring to is from the same home town, and previously I’d heard that she wasn’t going to be able to be in town the same time I was. When I arrived at my parents’ house, I saw a Christmas photo card from this friend… it was a photo of her and her husband. Mom said she’d gotten one about a week ago. I found out later that my sister received one, too. Then, my mom comes home from work to let me know that this friend and her mother stopped by the store to say hello. I told mom the story, and she then was relieved that she didn’t call me at home to let me know about the visit.

While in Germany visiting Mat, I noticed that this friend doesn’t use Facebook, yet she joined a while back due to my recommendation. So, I decided to remove the facebook link. A few hours later, there was a Facebook request from this friend. Very strange… then, I had a MySpace request from her as well. Let me add that there were no personal messages with these requests. So, I ignored them.

So here is my dilemma. I feel the need to get some kind of resolution with this, whether it be by letting her know that she has crossed the line, or by trying to patch things up in some way. My problem is that she doesn’t so much owe me an apology as much as she owes Mat some kind of leeway. How can you write off someone you’ve never even tried to get to know? She just seems to believe I have no idea what I’m doing with my life, and to be honest that’s none of her business.

We get to choose who we let into our “wierd little worlds” and we also get to choose who we exclude. I’m wondering if it’s just that I’ve grown in such a different direction than her that my choices in life scare her, so she reacts with anger.

I welcome any thoughts you wish to post here.

I did reply to her finally….

I heard from my sister that things had gotten rough for you right after our last phone call. I hope that you got the card I sent, and I hope that you and your husband continue to grow and work on having everything you want in your lives. You both deserve all the happiness in the world.

As far as you and I are concerned, I feel like I bring out something negative in you, and I don’t want to do that. Before the MySpace request, I thought you didn’t want any contact with me. Things seemed to go badly in that conversation, and you called me a selfish asshole. After that, my sister let me know what was going on in your life. Then, at Christmas, my parents had a photo-card of you and your husband up on their fridge. I guess you sent one to my sister too. Then, you send a personal message asking “What the hell do I have to do to get you to talk to me?”

I don’t want to have an unhealthy friendship with you or be the cause of any drama. but you don’t seem to respect me, and that’s something I need in a friendship. That phone call hurt me. Calling me a selfish asshole… never calling yet expecting me to call you… sending cards to my parents and sister but not me… Are you mean to me on purpose, or do you not realize how your actions come across?

You seem to ignore me when I try to contact you and then expect me to turn around when you decide it’s time. Yell at me and push me away, then ask me where I went… that’s what it seems like.

I sent that on January 16. I have heard nothing since.