There are times in life when I feel lost, and they happen occasionally. However, this is the first time I’ve felt lost since March, when my grandmother died. Maw-Maw always knew what to say at times like this, and she’s not around now to give me words of advice.

She was the sweetest woman I know. I used to come to her with what I thought were inconsolable problems, and she’d somehow find something absolutely golden to say to me, and all my troubles would melt away. Granted, right now I don’t have any huge problems… at least I don’t think so; today felt very off for me, but I’m going to blame it on the waning moon (full moon was yesterday, I think) because my energy always goes haywire after a full moon, or maybe my biorhythms are too far in the black. In any case, a lot of things came crashing down on me today, and I wasn’t prepared for it, nor did I even think it would happen. I thought about my and Grant’s differing religious beliefs, I shared my thoughts on homosexuality, we talked about kids (related to the whole religion talk), and on top of it, I started thinking about Maw-Maw. I will say this: with all my fears about children, differing religious viewpoints, and Grant’s constant ‘vacations’ to various college hot spots, the one constant I have is that I am always a prayer away from her now. There are days when I can feel her presence, and I’ve even felt it so strongly I’ve turned around in the kitchen unconsciously and expected someone to be there. I’ve even caught myself talking to her out loud, not realizing I was doing it. I guess it’s true that you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. But, is she gone? If she is gone, where did she go? Is she in ‘heaven’ or is she roaming around here on earth waiting for the next reincarnation or, even better yet, waiting to see her great-grandkids (she used to kid me about that a lot… even more than my mom, and for those of you who are married you know that’s a lot of kidding )? I think what I really need to do is pray. I haven’t done that in a long time, and I really miss that. I just hate it that I don’t think about doing things like that until I get in a rut. In high school, my pastor used to say that that’s the time we need God most, and he thought that God wouldn’t have suggested prayer if it weren’t perfectly normal to do so in times of need. So, there we go… my thoughts for the evening. I think I’m in desperate need of sleep. G’night from the crazy lady…