In my own personal research, I’ve found that c-sections seem to be a doctor’s last resort when labor takes longer than anticipated. When considering this logic, think about how hospitals make money… the more patients, the more $$$. If a mother takes too long in labor, the doctor can schedule a c-section in order to speed up the process (and insure a higher patient turnover rate). I FIND THIS ABSURD.

A c-section is major surgery. I do not understand a doctor telling a mother she needs this kind of surgery when she’s taken only 12 hours of labor. Mind you, that is half a day; that’s a long time to be in pain. However, that can be normal. Some women can take 2, 3, even 4 times longer in labor given Mother Nature the ability to perform to her own time frame. If the baby comes into trouble, of course I can see a c-section being necessary. For instance, my sister couldn’t be born normally because the umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck. Every time my mom had a contraction, my sister’s heart rate would go crazy. Of course this is an emergency! Forcing a mother to stick to a doctor’s schedule does not equal emergency.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/04/health/04infant.html

Basically, I’m just wondering if it’s really for me. I do love discovering meanings behind herbs, colors, candles, stones, gems, etc. and the connection that I’m developing with nature has truly felt like something special. However, I don’t know if I agree with calling the four corners or in mixing potions or with worshiping multiple deities.

For me, religion and spirituality have always been about deepening the connection with the Great Spirit, as the Native Americans might put it. I believe in one spirit, God in the Christian belief, and believe that we all have God within us. That God is within everything we touch, everything we see, everything we create, everything we destroy.

So, I’m not sure where I am with Paganism, but I am starting to believe that my own personal spirituality is not limited to just Paganism or just Christianity.

Late last night, I was awakened by the sound of a dog barking and then howling in pain. I crept over to the window to peek out and see what was going on, and I saw someone I know with her two dogs, violently tugging on one’s leash to pull her closer and then smacking her in the face. She did this a few more times, then a few moments later jerked the chain with such force that the dog yelped in pain. It was abusive to say the least, and I was horrified at what I saw. The worst part wasn’t the dog being hurt, though that was terrible; it was that I was watching someone I knew do this to her dogs.

I have an uncle who expressed his extreme dismay when I decided to remarry. He also took a step in the wrong direction with me by announcing, after my divorce to my first husband, that he knew it would happen. We haven’t spoken since then (a few years), but my mom tells me recently that he speaks to everyone like we’re still doing just fine.

My husband and I are expecting our first child in July. Today is the first day that I worried about what she would be exposed to in this life. I don’t want to expose her to any of the negativity I’ve experienced. It’s hard enough wanting to always be happy around my little girl, to let her never see me sad or angry. But I don’t want her seeing any unhappiness. Only joy. Love. Tolerance. I want to teach her to enjoy life, to respect others, to love animals, to never judge, and to always see the good in others.

So, that’s what I pray for tonight. My meditation will be in finding that for myself, so that I can truly show that to my daughter.

So, with all these thoughts running around my head, it’s hard to really figure out what I think about certain big topics. Take religion, for example. I’ve given it a lot of thought lately, and I’ve decided to finally try to put my thoughts on religion into something more cohesive (and obviously readable).

Firstly, I believe in God. I believe in something greater than ourselves. I believe in an underlying force that drives us to help each other, to learn, to love, to better ourselves and not just survive. I believe that God is that force, that energy that we sense but cannot exactly put our finger on all the time. I believe that God exists not just within a church or a sacred space, but everywhere and in everything, especially ourselves and each other. I believe in a God that is not good or evil, but simply existing at a higher consciousness than we do. I believe that it is within our power to achieve the same consciousness, that the ability is within us all to be better than we are.

I believe in finding a balance in life. I believe in enjoying the sunshine and celebrating the calmness of a moonlit night. I believe that life contains just as much beauty as death, and that neither is better than the other; they only help to create a balance. One cannot exist without the other, just as light causes shadows and love helps us to identify fear. Everything is cyclical, transitory; for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction… an entropy of sorts. To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under heaven.

I believe in prayer and meditation. Prayer is the act of not asking, but acknowledging what is to come. When praying, I think it best not to hope in a thing, but to have faith in a thing. With hope, there is doubt. With faith, there is assurance because what we pray for will have more power from our prayer, from our direction. When you give a thought strength by praying, you help make the path clear for yourself so that you can achieve what you wish to achieve. I believe that through prayer we learn to better ourselves and the world around us. I believe that prayer is the purest and most natural way to commune with God.

I believe that as the one sentient life form on this earth (that we know of), we have an unbelievable moral and personal responsibility to each other, and to the earth. I believe that we must take it upon ourselves to realize when we are wrong, that we must face the consequences of our actions, admit our mistakes, and set things right whenever we can. I am not sure what I think about reincarnation, but I do believe that our actions echo down through years and years past what we can see, and because of that we must consider everything we choose to do and say. This, basically, means that I believe in a deep personal and spiritual commitment to my own growth, and that I strive each and every day to learn from every experience I have, every bit of wisdom I attain, and every instinct I feel.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you (no truer words were ever spoken).

God doesn’t care what you call Him/Her, as long as you call Him/Her.

The Goddess is in the Details

I started this book last month and am trying to take my time reading it, focusing on a chapter every week or every few days. I always feel that this helps me to truly soak up what I’m reading, otherwise I get so focused on reading that I finish the book before I realize that I haven’t absorbed much of it.

The Goddess is in the Details is a delightful book, but it is not for beginners. Having said that, I found it to be a great introduction to incorporating wicca into everyday life. I struggle with this aspect since I work in an office and have a pretty hectic life at home. With this book however, I’ve found ways to sneak a little spirituality into everything I do. It’s even helped demystify some of the more obscure aspects of being a witch. Each time I read a chapter out of this book, I feel like I’m sitting down with Ms. Blake and having a nice long chat. It’s such a comfortable read. I recommend this to any curious souls out there who, like me, have a little knowledge of wicca / pagan religions but would like to know more.

The city I’ll be traveling to is Mons for the Doudou Festival. Yes, I thought that was quite hilarious, too. Basically, it is a festival celebrating the defeat of a dragon — Lumecon I think is his name — by Sir George. There is a reenactment of the slaying of the dragon, and apparently during this reenactment, tons of people try to grab a bit of the tail. Though the tail is made of chains and whatnot, there is horsehair as well in there, and it is good luck if you can grab some of the hair. There is a great 360° photo I found that depicts this.

If you want to read more about this festival, here are some links.

Triumph of the Good
Processions in Mons
Map of Mons, Belgium (includes photos)

When I was headed onto the first plane (Nashville to Washington, D.C.), the flight attendant gave me the cats’ cards from their cages (they’re supposed to do this to let me know they have been loaded onto the plane). Regardless, I can’t help but feel nervous on their behalf. I’m trying to imagine how I felt on my first flight, every noise putting me on edge. But, when considering Tori and Snickers, they have ho idea what is going on. It made me so nervous and on edge. I’m a little angry, due to the $454 I had to shell out to get them on the plane (I had to check them with my luggage rather than taking them on). Ironically, the seat next to me is empty.

The plane is quite small, only three seats in each row. We were told that the flight may be rough, and my stomach dropped at the thought of turbulence. Again, the concern is more for my pets than for me. We d have a bit of turbulence on takeoff, but soon it settles down, and I can almost imagine that it feels like riding along in a car on a bumpy road.

The plane lands about 20 minutes later than it should’ve. Luckily, I made it to the connecting flight with time to spare. But, in the back of my mind, I kept thinking, “the cats aren’t with me, the cats aren’t with me!” For the past 2 1/2 hours I have experienced nausea, cold sweats, tightness in my chest, and the feeling that at any minute now I won’t be able to breathe. If this is anything close to what it feels like to worry about your own children, then I’m not ready for parenthood. I had already predicted my impending collapse Friday afternoon… it won’t be from exhaustion, but from stress.

I took a look in the seat pocket in front of me and noticed the Sky Mall magazine, and I’m immediately reminded of Michael Swope’s addiction to these magazines. By the way, congrats Michael! Heard about you and Kate getting engaged. For those of you on Facebook, check out their photos — Michael had such a great proposal idea!

Another sidenote: I’ve been reading Broken Music, a book written by Sting. It’s a memoir solely by him and a very enjoyable read. There is a section in which he discusses the early days of the Police. On their first U.S. tour, the audience ranged from 6 to 600. When the audience was on the small side, Sting would invite everyone to the front row and introduce the band. Then, he’d ask the audience to introduce themselves, and he’d shake everyone’s hands. The band would then proceed to give the audience their money’s worth, playing as many encores as requested. The band then invited the audience backstage! Ah, to be a Police fan during the 70s… that sounds like such a great experience.

I finally make it to Frankfurt, and one of Mat’s friends is there to pick me up. He drove me back to Mannheim and onto BFV (Benjamin Franklin Village) to the temporary housing the army has arranged. Upon arriving, all I can say is it had damn well better be temporary. I did a lot of cleaning, but there’s still this old “lack of use” smell, and dust was on everything. Around 3pm I collapsed on the couch while Bridget Jones’s Diary was playing, and I think it cycled three times before I actually awoke. Some friends of Mat’s are watching Tori and Snickers, and it was their visit that finally woke me up enough to take a shower and get something to eat.

I did a lot of walking yesterday, found the PX and Commissary (for you non-military people, the PX is basically a Wal-Mart, and the commissary is a grocery store), and almost visited the Class 6 (liquor store) but decided against it; in a day or two, I’ll be sampling the best beer Belgium has to offer.

So, that’s all for now. G’night everyone!

1. Today started with an argument over the phone about a refund I was supposed to get from (of all places) Apple, and though they have no problem charging me for their services they can’t seem to get giving me my refund right (it was sent to some other account).
2. My new landlord is withholding my security deposit due to the previous landlord owing them money. How I got involved in this is beyond me.
3. I have yet to receive two packages I ordered last week and found out today that the tracking numbers for the packages aren’t correct. Update: one of the packages is in Groveport, OH and the other is on its way back to the company I ordered it from. *ahem* W.T.F.?!?!!?
4. I ordered an item for my car a few weeks ago and got a call today that it was in. I drove all the way out to Hurstbourne only to find out that this item doesn’t work in my car without a little rigging which would take 1.5 hours. Thusly, the $15 item would wind up costing $145. I drove out there for nothing.
5. That pointless drive got me stuck in traffic for an hour.
6. I didn’t get my normal daily call from Mat because he ran out of minutes in the middle of our conversation. That, and my Skype software decided to quit, so I couldn’t call him back.
7. After trying to get hold of most of my friends, I spent the evening completely alone.
8. Today was my birthday.

I am writing this note because of some recent events. They involve a friend of mine… or, someone that used to consider me a friend. I’ve mentioned very general details about what’s been happening with this person and only to a few people, but now I’m not sure how to proceed. I’m kinda hoping to get some feedback.

When Mat and I first got engaged, the first person I told was a close friend of mine. She immediately became judgmental, and I completely understand that. She lives far away and has not had much contact with me over the past few years due to the distance. She also doesn’t know Mat, and the last she heard from me Grant and I were finishing our divorce. Regardless, I was unbelievably happy about the plans Mat and I were forming, and she was the first person I thought to share it with.

Over the summer, as Mat and I were sorting out wedding arrangements, she and I spoke once that I can remember. I mentioned the date and time of the wedding, and before I could ask her to come she said she wouldn’t be able to come to it, that she didn’t want to be there. Afterwards, I contacted her many times. I always got voicemail or, if I emailed her, no email reply other than the normal forwards she sended out to everyone en masse. A few days before my wedding, I called her one last time to express how upset I was at not hearing from her for a few months.

After Mat was sent to Germany, I tried contacting her again. Again, voicemail. I emailed her asking for her phone number and finally got a reply, only to discover that the number I’d been calling for months and months was the wrong number! I called her immediately and explained what had happened, apologizing for the confusion. She said never got any news from me about the wedding, but that my sister had made sure to get photos to her. What she was referring to was checking my sister’s photos on MySpace. That. doesn’t. count. period. She launched into how much I had ignored her, how hurt my sister must be that I didn’t tell her first (my sister had a very negative view on men and dating at the time, so talking about anything related to that was always a very sore subject).

Then, she called me a selfish asshole.

I don’t even call my enemies names like that.

I thanked her for telling me exactly what she thought of me (note the tone of sarcasm) and asked her how in the world she could consider remaining friends with someone of whom she thought so little. She said we have known each other for too long not to remain friends.

I don’t know about you, but that doesn’t sound like a valid reason to remain friends.

Over winter break, I spent about a week at my parents’ house. This friend I’m referring to is from the same home town, and previously I’d heard that she wasn’t going to be able to be in town the same time I was. When I arrived at my parents’ house, I saw a Christmas photo card from this friend… it was a photo of her and her husband. Mom said she’d gotten one about a week ago. I found out later that my sister received one, too. Then, my mom comes home from work to let me know that this friend and her mother stopped by the store to say hello. I told mom the story, and she then was relieved that she didn’t call me at home to let me know about the visit.

While in Germany visiting Mat, I noticed that this friend doesn’t use Facebook, yet she joined a while back due to my recommendation. So, I decided to remove the facebook link. A few hours later, there was a Facebook request from this friend. Very strange… then, I had a MySpace request from her as well. Let me add that there were no personal messages with these requests. So, I ignored them.

So here is my dilemma. I feel the need to get some kind of resolution with this, whether it be by letting her know that she has crossed the line, or by trying to patch things up in some way. My problem is that she doesn’t so much owe me an apology as much as she owes Mat some kind of leeway. How can you write off someone you’ve never even tried to get to know? She just seems to believe I have no idea what I’m doing with my life, and to be honest that’s none of her business.

We get to choose who we let into our “wierd little worlds” and we also get to choose who we exclude. I’m wondering if it’s just that I’ve grown in such a different direction than her that my choices in life scare her, so she reacts with anger.

I welcome any thoughts you wish to post here.

I did reply to her finally….

I heard from my sister that things had gotten rough for you right after our last phone call. I hope that you got the card I sent, and I hope that you and your husband continue to grow and work on having everything you want in your lives. You both deserve all the happiness in the world.

As far as you and I are concerned, I feel like I bring out something negative in you, and I don’t want to do that. Before the MySpace request, I thought you didn’t want any contact with me. Things seemed to go badly in that conversation, and you called me a selfish asshole. After that, my sister let me know what was going on in your life. Then, at Christmas, my parents had a photo-card of you and your husband up on their fridge. I guess you sent one to my sister too. Then, you send a personal message asking “What the hell do I have to do to get you to talk to me?”

I don’t want to have an unhealthy friendship with you or be the cause of any drama. but you don’t seem to respect me, and that’s something I need in a friendship. That phone call hurt me. Calling me a selfish asshole… never calling yet expecting me to call you… sending cards to my parents and sister but not me… Are you mean to me on purpose, or do you not realize how your actions come across?

You seem to ignore me when I try to contact you and then expect me to turn around when you decide it’s time. Yell at me and push me away, then ask me where I went… that’s what it seems like.

I sent that on January 16. I have heard nothing since.

By the way, United Airlines is the worst airline I’ve ever had the displeasure of experiencing… and I haven’t even flown UA. Mat’s flight was supposed to be from Norfolk to D.C. on Sunday afternoon around 4pm, and he didn’t find out until arriving in Norfolk that the flight had been cancelled, though the flight was cancelled before he left Columbus Sunday morning. The airline found every excuse in the book to say that the cancellation wasn’t their fault, so they were not going to cover any hotel expenses and they wouldn’t put him on another airline. He tried to get another flight, but nothing was available. So, he missed his flight from D.C. to Frankfurt on Sunday night. Then, on Monday, his UA flight from Norfolk was delayed, which created a similar situation but in D.C. this time. Again, no hotel coverage or airline switch. Luckily, the UA flight on Tuesday went out at the time scheduled, and he arrived in Germany at 7:00am (1:00am state side).

I was able to look up his travel from Frankfurt to Mannheim, and it looks like he’ll have a very pretty drive! There’s a mountain range just to his left (east) that he’ll be traveling next to.